Odd ends

Let me make your mind up for you.

Why think for yourself when there is someone clever like me to do it for you? Why waste time and effort on thoughts when you can be doing something else that you enjoy more? Are you thinking about voting in the next election? Don’t bother, just…

Vote for My Guys

Like making money? Picking mushrooms? Fishing on ice? You won’t have time for any of that if you have to think about who to vote for. Save time, trouble and stress, and vote for My Guys.

Hi! My name is Steriks Endzenieks and I am paid by people to tell you how great they are, and believe me, they are more than happy to do all your political thinking for you. That’s how they make a living.  You have more important stuff to do and shouldn’t be wasting your time.  We all know that politics is dirty, and good, honest, patriotic people like you shouldn’t be smearing your hands with it. Better those hands are pulling weeds from a bountiful garden in your back yard.

Let us dig in the dirt.

The people who pay me are professionals at sinking their hands into the social soil of politics. It’s their job to clean up your streets, even if it seems like they are also cleaning out your pockets. This happens in government, let’s face it. But My Guys will make it seem like you are getting a lot more for a lot less. If you do get ripped off, you won’t even notice it. That’s how good My Guys are.

I want to liberate you from needless stress. If I can convince you that you that My Guys are better than those Other Guys, believe me, you won’t have to think at all about the upcoming elections. Go visit a client, bring out your mushroom basket, and dust off the fishing rod, but whatever you do, don’t waste your time agonizing over who is going to run this country. My Guys will take care of that. Just watch.

Let me make your mind up for you, and that will be one less thing for you to worry about so you can think about really important things like your family, your car and the foxes in the henhouse.

Let me make your mind up for you, and you won’t have to stress out at cocktail parties when people ask who you are going to vote for.

Let me make your mind up for you and you won’t have to watch any of those long, boring TV news and discussion shows. (More time for hockey, motocross and Dancing with the Stars!)

Let me make your mind up for you and you keep can keep your IPOD turned on to full volume while in the voting booth. (No thinking necessary!)

You are too nice of a person to waste your mind’s time thinking about politics. Let My Guys do it for you!

Vote for My Guys. They’re better than the Other Guys.

They put their money where my mouth is.

(This is a well paid political advertisement created by Me and My Agency for My Guys.)

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MY GUYS VS THE OTHER GUYS

My name is Steriks Endzenieks and my ad agency is being paid big money to convince you to vote for My Guys in the next election.  Here are ten reasons why you should vote for My Guys:

REASON #1

My Guys have lots of money and thus can afford to hire me, the best (and most expensive) guy in the ad business.

REASON #2

My Guys want to make more money. If they make a lot of money in government, then lots of other people in the country also get to make some money. Maybe you will too. This is good for the economy.

REASON #3

My Guys’ false promises have a ring of truth to them. This is probably very important to many of you.

REASON #4

My Guys believe in anything you believe in. If we’ve missed something that matters to you, just write to our web page and we’ll add it to the list. All value systems honored.

REASON #5

My Guys only lie for a good reason. Values are important to us, and we believe that whatever you do should be only with the best of intentions. We have the best intentions in the world and will tell you anything you want to hear for as long as you want to hear it.

REASON #6

My Guys think like you do. They have the same values you have. They  shop at the same stores you shop at. Some of them even know your wives. If you could get away with it, you would do the same thing we are doing. Let My Guys do it for you.

REASON #7

My Guys’ faces look good on large posters. Let’s face it, this really does matter a lot to you, doesn’t it?

REASON #8

My Guys will leave you alone after they are elected. Dealing with politicians once every four years is bad enough, no need to pollute your life more than that. Just elect My Guys and none of us will bother you again for four years.

REASON #9

My Guys will spend your tax dollars to improve our economy. ‘Us’ of course means them and me, but we’re sure that some of you will get good jobs from all this. Especially if you vote for us.

REASON #10

My Guys hate politicians a much as you do. Especially those that oppose them. Wouldn’t you?

In an academically earnest review of an album of Latvian beer songs (‘Alus Dziesmas’ 2001) that appeared in www.latviansonline.com , the reviewer was offended by the fact that the musicians seemed to have imbibed in the beverage that they were singing about. In effect, she thought they were good musicians, but drunk and ethnically undignified.  I was dutifully motivated to crack open a bottle of Piebalgs and jot off a response:

Buy the lady a beer

In her LOL review of UPE’s ‘Alu Dziesmas’, it is apparent that Amanda Jatniece was not informed of a critical fact, the knowledge of which is an obligatory prerequisite for a full-blown, multi-dimensional, cellular-level appreciation of this album. You have to have a beer. (Preferably more than one.) The only way you can access and achieve that same refined spiritual cosmic state that gave birth to these songs (and compelled enthusiastic people to sing them), is to duplicate the conditions that created them. Have a Piebalgas tumšais and it will start to makes sense. Down a Bauskas, follow that with an Užavas, and round it out with a Cesis or Tervetes, and suddenly every grunt, groan and guffaw takes on deep bio-sociological significance.

‘Alus dziesmas’ is a collection of traditional Latvian beer songs. Beers songs tend to be about beer. The only time people write or sing songs about beer, is while they are drinking it. While drinking beer, the people singing (or extemporaneously composing) enter into a biological and psychological state that has been made possible by the manner in which the beer interacts with their minds and bodies. You could say, they get happy. Happy, in a way that only beer can produce. Some, like the young gentleman with his head on the table on the cover of the ‘Alus Dziesmas’, are simply so enthralled by the dulcet tones of the accordion, that they enter a hypnotic state of pure musical ecstacy. I have seen people do this at Bach concerts.

While the lusty state of mind induced by the interaction of beer and song (they tend to supplement and enhance one another) has been known to impair the judgement of Latvian males, I have known many cases where it actually improves their singing. And the more beer you drink, the better they sound. This is a scientifically established fact.

Thus, as a service to all easily unsettled connoisseurs of ultra-traditional music, I offer the following record warning label: ‘Alus Dziesmas’ is a collection of songs about beer, written by people who drank it centuries ago, and sung by people who still drink it today. It is about as authentic as you can get. If you want to capture fishermen’s songs in their essence, you should record them on the deck of a steamer in the teeth of a gale on the high seas. If you want to capture the essence of a beer song, you have to record someone who is drinking it. It really sounds much better that way, believe me.

Auld Clootie at OSCO DRUG, INC.

I circulated this memo somewhere around 1976  in the offices of Osco Drug, Inc.

OSCO DRUG, INC,

Executive Offices 1818 Swift Drive, Oak Brook, Illinois 6052 Area Code 312

After 9 months of intensive investigation the Osco security force has finally pinpointed the evil demon who has been behind all the weird happenings in the Advertising Department for the last year and a half. Auld Clootie, also known as Joly Old Saint Luke and Loki the Rumor Monger, was grilled for 12 consecutive hours in the basement interview room at the Corporate Headquarters at O’Hare Plaze.

Clootie, as he prefers to be called this month, confessed to an incredible number of invidious crimes including, starting terrible rumors about staff members, instigating petty hatreds and childish tiffs between otherwise innocent, angelic personnal, altering layouts and copy so that it includes obvious stupid errors and omissions, and a varied and rich assortment of other disruptive and debilitating actions, all geared toward destroying the wonderful harmony that exists between Advertising Department personnel.

Clootie smiled as he took the entire blame for all the mysterious incidents of the last year. Claiming to have a friend ‘upstairs’(interviewers failed to determine just how far upstairs this meant) Clootie showed little concern for the trouble he had wrought. „I’ve got a good crew to work with. They’re very obliging and some of them learn real quick. I hardly have to prod them on, just a little nudge and they do all the rest themselves.”

A Committee was formed to choose members for the Corrective Council which would vote on what measures if any should be taken when and if the Security Group decides who should be in charge. In an amusing show of good humor, Clootie volunteered to chair the committee. Members agreed to take it under consideration.

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Bruce the Log

In 1974 I got my first desk job after graduating from college. I had worked as a construction laborer since getting my Philosophy Degree but finally landed a job in the advertising department of a discount store chain in Chicago called Turn*Style. I started off as a production assistant for a catalog shoot (I had to register and organize all product samples that would be photographed for their catalog.) But I began to behave very cleverly in the office, convinced my superiors I could write, and eventually contrived to became a copywriter. Turn*Style was later joined by a home improvement chain called Republic Lumber, and it was my responsibility to develop a distinct copy voice for Republic in all their print advertising. Republic Lumber was my baby. Each week we would get a list of items that would be on sale the following week, and we had to lay them out, draw them up and write some words to make people come and buy the stuff. One week the feature sale item was birch logs. Republic had a big shipment and was loading the stores with them, so it was our job to unload them on unsuspecting customers and make some money. In thinking about this shipment of birch logs, I ended up writing this. It never appeared as a real ad, but did provide a modicum of in-house inspiration.

101 Things You Can Do With a Republic Fireplace Log

(Other Than Put it In The Fireplace)

1. Cut it into 20,000 toothpicks.
2. Use it as a doorstop.
3. Carve a masthead for a small sailboat.
4. Sit on it.
5. Hit a homerun.
6. Build a log cabin. (you may need more than one.)
7. Use it to keep your seat at the movies while you go out for popcorn.
8. Give it some friends on their 5th (wooden) wedding anniversary.
9. Use it as a fourth for bridge.
10. Carve wooden nickles from it.
11. Talk to it on those long, lonely nights.
12. Mash a lot of potatoes with it.
13. Stand on it to reach the top shelf in the closet.
14. Roll it up and down the street.
15. Feed it to a beaver.
16. Give a banquet for termites.
17. Build a fence.
18. Create a unique lamp.
19. Put it in your greenhouse for atmosphere.
20. Break open castle doors with it.
21. Throw it at your enemies.
22. Prop your loose windows open with it.
23. Have a log rolling contest.
24. Use it in a Log Cabin Syrup ad.
25. Use it for ballast in a hot air baloon.
26. Hide behind it.
27. Buy it  presents on Christmas
28. Paint a face on it and call it “Bruce”.
29. Stare at it.
30. Convince a bunch of ants it’s a giant redwood.
31. Drop it from the Sears Tower and see if it breaks.
32. Add it to your antique log collection.
33. Watch it petrify
34. Start a termite farm
35. Sell it for a proft.
36. Chop it into chips and put them on your shoulder.
37. Make a canoe  out of the bark.
38. Put it in the middle of your living room as a conversation piece.
39. Place it in the street by the curb to save a parking space.
40. Leave it as a tip at the Drake Oakbrook
41. Pass it out to friends when your wife has a baby (paint it pink or blue.)
42. Put a stamp on it and mail it.
43. Drop some silver icicles on it and call it a Christmas Tree
44. Use it to flatten dough.
45. Count the rings and try to guess how old it is.
46. Buy all you can and try to put the original tree together out of the pieces.
47. Have Andy Warhol sign it and sell it for $1,000
48. Write a poem to it.
49. Swat big flies with it.
50. Sell it to K-Mart as an exotic plant.

(That’s about as far as I got in one continuous flow of ideas and I concluded that that would be enough. So I distributed it to the staff of T*S and Republic Lumber (and Osco Drug). That Christmas, I received as a corporate gift, a birch log with the name Bruce written on the ends. Over 35 year have passed and I still have this log named Bruce. It has travelled from Oakbrook to Chicago to Washington, D.C. to Riga. In the last 8 years since building a home in the woods by the seaside of Northern Kurland I have sawed and chopped hundreds upon hundreds of birch logs and have done many of the above-mentioned things with birch logs, which only goes to show that sooner or later, I tend to follow my own advice.)