The American School of Apathy



As you know, the American School of Apathy is a unique educational institution dedicated to the proposition that knowledge is not only boring, but downright dangerous.

I mean, do you really want to know what’s going on in the world? Of course not! It’ll only get you confused, depressed and probably in a lot of expensive trouble.

Thus, when it comes to the truth, justice and the American Way, we’re about as indifferent as the next guy. And proud of it.

Nevertheless, in the pursuit of intellectual unconsciousness, we do have a responsibility to present all sides of an issue, regardless of inance. Inspid or ridiculous it may seem. How else are you going to know which issues toignor and which cause to belittle?

The Other Side of Equal Rights

I’m sure you’re well aware of the Moral Majority’s campaign to instill a little ‘old time religion’ into our institutes of higher learning. Well, we’re all for it. Our policy has always been to ignore both sides of every issue with equal indifference. We think it’s only fair to pursue ‘equal wrongs’ with the same lack of intensity shown toward ‘equal rights’. The present on-going debate over Creationism vs Evolution is a case in point.

For years, we have taught our students to disregard some of the most complex and ingenious scientific theories ever devisd by man. Our “Accelerated Ignorance” courses have enable young men and women to dismiss the combined thought of such thinkers as Einstein, Darwin, Newton and Freud without batting an eyelash.

And now our religious brethren are demanding equal time.

So who are we to argue? Do you think we care? Our student body is as disinterested in theology as it is in geology. They care as little about the sacred as they do the profane. They’re equally adept at forgetting the words to the Lord’s Prayer as they are the Pledge of Allegiance. When it comes to the pressing issues of today’s highly complex and extremely disturbing world, be they ethical, scientific, political or theological, our students can only respond with the famous French saying “viva l’indifference!”

Thus, I invite you to check out the programs being offered by our new Institute of Interdisciiplinary Indifference. Or, if you prefer, don’t. I really don’t care because I’m missing a hot bingo game right now and all this tedious letter writing is cramping my style.

Boleslav Marquardt (Bolly)

Part-time President

Of the American School of Apathy

P.S. If there’s a subject you would like to know less about, a course you’d like to skip or a program you’d like to overlook, please drop me a line. If I have nothing better to do I’ll take it up with our Board of Misdirectors as soon as they return from there endless leaves of absence.