A STRAIGHT FROM THE L.I.P.S. REPORT

“WORLD HUMOR CRISIS DECLARED!”

“Scientists agree…humanity’s greatest natural resource is drying up, shortage anticipated.”

“Bad laughing habits, media gag guzzlers and wasteful wit blamed for satiric shortfall.”

If the above headlines look all too familiar to you, you’ve probably grown as weary as we have about the alleged  “Comedy Crisis”. Look, no matter how long or how hard we laugh…no matter how much foreign humor we import…we won’t run out.

And don’t let the media fool you. The Multinational American Gag (MAG) companies (controlled by the Entertainment Oligarchs that run radio, TV and the Web) do not control all the humor we hear. Enterprising, yet ordinary citizens throughout the world are using the sizzling social networks to find new sources, channels  and applications for humor every day.

But does anyone tell you that? Of course not. That’s because the MAGs have a stranglehold on all channels of humor distribution, regardless of its original source. They want you to think that supplies are limited and going fast.

But you can still get choice, high-octane humor from the occasional web page, magazine or book, even if these sources are owned (but not very well controlled) by the same gag-grabbing Multinationals . While much of your global satire is being spoon-fed by the giant London-New York-Hollywood-Hong Kong network, there are pockets of bounty to be found outside the Comedy Cartel.

Thus, in order to give you a passing glance at today’s state of laughter (for who’sgot time for more?), LIPS presents the following special report.

Humor – a renewable resource or a diminishing return?

HUMOR – WHAT IT IS

In its crudest form, humor varies greatly in color, weight and consistency the world over. Humor can range from a crystalline fluid clarity to a murky, maudlin black.

Humans have used humor since they have known they were human. Its true value was not recognized until the punch line was discovered by an obscure tribe that was largely unknown to the Ancient Sumerians.

THE USES OF HUMOR

Humor is perhaps the most universal resource of all. It can be applied to any human endeavor and throughout recorded history it has been liberally used to lubricate the wheels of industry, business, government and religion. Although 95% of all human humor is recreational, it has frequently been used to topple governments, build monuments, defeat enemies and talk to dolphins.

According to a largely discredited report clandestinely distributed by the World Health Organization, every person should consume at least 4 solid hours of humor every day. This could include office jokes, rush-hour happy talk, web pop ups, comic books, e-magazines, editorial pages, television, political parties or organized religion. Twittering to one’s self (not just online) is encouraged.

WHERE HUMOR IS FOUND

Humor is found in every language in almost every country on every continent in the world. However, there are some pockets of humanity that totally lack humor. Here’s a partial list:

Recorded places on Earth that lack humor:*

• A valley near the Hindu Kush
• A city not unlike Hammond, Indiana
• The Falkland Islands
• Anywhere near Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
• Several bathrooms in the Kremlin
• The coast of New England
• Komodo Island
• Vast portions of Latvia

(*As of the end of 2^nd Quarter, 2010)

HOW HUMOR IS FORMED

The origins of humor are still subject to a major debate between the Creationists and the Big Yuk Theorists. Fundamentalist Creationists claim that God is responsible for all the laughs on earth from the beginning of time until now. Big Yuk Theorists claim that today’s laughter is just the remains of a huge Cosmic Joke told billions of years ago. According to the Yukkists, all laughter will eventually disperse into limitless space, only to come to life again billions of years from now when a new Cosmic Joke explodes into the universe.

IS HUMOR HARMFUL?

Given that just about anything a human being is capable of doing can eventually become harmful, yes. Humor, like an AK-47, can be exploited to make a rhetorical point. Humor can mislead, obscure, divert and disturb, and if ingested in excess quantities, can have a disorienting effect on one’s ability to handle small machinery and large concepts.

HUMOR TERMS DEFINED

BARREL – a standard unit used to measure concentrated hilarity, as in “a barrel of monkeys”.

DRY HOLE – an empty comedy club

PRIMARY RECOVERY – a standard comeback used to silence obnoxious hecklers

ENHANCED RECOVERY – a real zinger, spontaneously formed as a response to difficult conditions.

CRUDE – how humorless people perceive your humor

RIG – what television studios do to the laugh track on situation comedies

RESERVOIR – an accumulation of humor beneath the surface of average understanding

BITUMINOUS SANDS – a popular comedy club in Alberta, Canada

WHY HUMOR IS IMPORTANT

Someone named William James said that common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds.  Does this make any sense to you?

HUMOR’S DEEPEST TRUTH

Just kidding.

That’s right gang. America’s smallest circulation newspaper is growing by leaps and bounds. Not only have we gone nationwide (with readers from New York to California) but our European circulation has literally doubled (from 2 readers to 4).

And now, if that weren’t enough, L.I.P.S. has finally acquired its very own P.O. Box.

Yes indeedy kiddies, you can now correspond with your L.I.P.S. correspondent just like the big guys.

Send correspondence, dirty pictures, hot tips, juicy tidbits, money, beads or anything your imagination can conjur up to:

L.I.P.S.

P.O.Box 11816

Chicago, IL 60611

Unlike TIME, NEWSWEEK, PLAYBOY and all those other „legitimate” publications, L.I.P.S. will personally answer each and every letter received. No cold, impersonal form letters. No mass produced, secretary-typed, unctuously polite notes. Nope, when you  invest in a letter to L.I.P.S. you’ll get many happy, custom written, irreverently irresponsible returns.

Go ahead, try us. Give us your untruths, your fallacies, your tired and hungry fibs and falsities, yearning to breath free….and we’ll give you an appropriate response. Honest. Would L.I.P.S. lie to you?

And remember…when the truth isn’t enough, the only place you’ll ever get it straight…

……is from the L.I.P.S.

Ojars Kalnins

Editor/Publisher/Latvian

L.I.P.S.

P.S. Got any friends who might want to be on the L.I.P.S. mailing list? How about enemies? Send us their names and addresses. We’ll send them a surprise.

(Most probably 1980.)

Look, up in the sky!

That’s it, stare as hard as you can. Bet you can’t see them.

And yet, they’re there. Millions of them. And they’re comin’ right at you. Comin’on strong. Coming through your hearth and home by the megabunch every second.

What are they?

Radio waves.

So what, you say? So this is what. Those undulating electrical impulses aren’t coming here alone. Every single moment you’re alive whether you’re awake, asleep or somewhere in between (like watching Hollywood Squares), those pesky little radio waves are continuously filling the air about you with…

THE TRUTH

Bet you didn’t know the truth came in waves.

It also comes in colors.

And in creeds.

And a whole lot of different nationalities.

In fact, the truth comes in more flavors than Schrafft’s Ice Cream.

In more languages than Mork from Ork can speak.

And in more packages than Care would care to consider.

Since LIPS has always been a little short of the truth, we thought it would only be appropriate to tune into the frequency that’s a little short on the wave. And pass our combined ideological interference on to you.

Thus, as a public disservice to all those folk too busy to tune into the international Short Wave Battle of the Bands, we bring you the following summary of the news from the world’s most prolific propaganda propagators….

March 1980

L.I.P.S. – When the truth isn’t enough.

Want to buy in on some more life?

You know, pick up a few extra months here, stash an extra year or two there…maybe even get ringside seats for the year 2000 (just to be safe?)

Don’t think twice.

It’s all but downright impossible to get guaranteed-anything anymore. Lay out all the cash you can and back it up with mountains more, and you still don’t know when the fates are gonna cash in your chips. There’s just no control.

Unless you invest.

Not in the here and now…but the then and there.

And where is that, you ask? You ļl never know unless you bring your body and soul to…

COME BACK INC.

The Western Hemisphere’s first computerized life recyclers.

That’s right, we’re talking about custom reincarnation. You decide where you want to go and when you want to be, and we’ll take care of the rest.

Why spend time, money and effort trying to drag out and somehow salvage this life when you could be plotting out the success story of your next?

It’s fun. It’s easy. And it won’t harm the kids.

Come in to COME BACK INC. and you’ll be greeted by your personal “Next_Life Counselor”. He or she will help you evaluate your present life with the help of a specially trained and programmed computer. Then chart your successes and failures along our patented ā¢.O. CHART”(Goals and Objective) to see how far you fell short. You’ll get a complete computer readout of your life, showing exactly what your total existential net worth is worth.

(incomplete 1980?)

LIPS presents America’s first NO NEWS NEWSPAPER!

THE TABULA RASA

Enclosed is your complimentary copy of America’s most innovative, easy to read, universally appealing newspaper. THE TABULA RASA (it means blank tablet in Latin) will never upset you, never depress you, never stimulate, aggravate or irritate you. Why? Because TABULA RASA contains nothing!

As you already know, bad news is depressing. Good news (when it doesn’t include you) is even more depressing. Gossip is dull. Sports is superfluous. Advertising is mind-numbing. TABULA RASA includes none of these distasteful features. We leave that up to Dan Rather.

TABULA RASA reads fast. Fater than the Tribune’s briefing page. Faster than the Sun Times’ capsulized news. Pick it up, put it down. You haven’t missed a thing.

TABULA RASA has no hard words. You ļl never feel inadequate reading TABULA RASA. And you won’t need a dictionary or an English major to explain the editorials to you. (Highly recommended for Chicago Public School graduates.)

TABULA RASA has no disturbing pictures. No exploitative sexist photos, no stupid or fuzzed out , eye-straining illustrations. It’s the only newspaper you can read in your sleep!

Why not discover the peace, joy and contentment non-news can bring! Start your subscription to TABULA RASA today.

TABULA RASA is now available in Latvia, Esperanto, Yiddish and Turkoman language editions. Please state your preference in no uncertain terms.

TABULA RASA – Our motto:  „Never a discouraging word!”

The American School of Apathy

Presents

The False Gods and Pagan Idols Lecture Series

Sponsored by the Institute of Interdisciplinary Indifference

PART 1 – Creation of the World Seminar

WHEN: Whenever

WHERE: Everywhere

TUITION: 2 hours of credibility and blind faith, bordering on acute naivete.

DESCRIPTION: The Evolutionists had their say; now it’s time for the other side. In this unique seminar the movers and shakers of the world’s cosmology talk about the world they’ve created and discuss whether it’s time to end it. Chek out this line-up of Holy heavy hitters.

Ymir – Germanic Giant and author and begetter of the human race.

Ometecuhtli & Omeciuatl – Lord and Lady of Aztec creation.

Purusha – double-sexed Vedic demiurge and practiced autoeroticist.

Liktenis – a Baltic Father of Fate and scriptwriter for destiny.

Jah – Rastafarian deity, Being of All Beings and originator of reggae music.

Pan-Ku – Taoist lead-off man and creator of Yin Yang.

Brahma – legendary Hindu vowel, vibrating outward through nothingness.

Izanag & Izanami – twin Japanese deities responsible for sushi and everything.

Hurakan – Mayan Master of Invention.

Uranus & Gaea – Father Sky and Mother Earth of ancient Greece.

Ptah – Egyptian molder, creator, father and all-round heavenly handyman.

Wakantaka – Great Sioux Spirit and rainbow maker.

Tiamat & Marduk – Mesopotamian S&M act that gave their bodies for life.

Atum – hairy palmed soloist and Egyptian procreator of Everything.

PART II – The Dialectics of Divinity

Where’s the best place to get needed info about stallion’s teeth? Straight from the horse’s mouth, right? Well, if you want to learn about the nuts and bolts of life, it only makes sense that you turn to the cosmic toolmakers. If all your puzzling questions about life and death and everything in between were always answered with the same old line, “ God only knows” now’s your chance to find out which of them really does.

Here’s the semester’s lordy line-up:

Dionysius, Pagan God of Thrace midnight, during full moon

For advanced exuberants only. Comprehensive course moves quickly through Mindless Revelry, Uncontrollable Ecstacy and Mystic Delirium, concluding with an often fatal, but nevertheless thoroughly enjoyable final exam.

Soma, Hindu Lord of Liquor weekdays, during happy hour

Seek beautitude with the greatest bartender this side of Nirvana. (B.Y.O.B.)

Huitzilopochtli, Aztec God of War break of dawn on clear days

Learn the tricks of the war trade from the name that struck fear in the hearts and tongues of Aztec enemies everywhere.

Aphrodiite, Greek Goddess of Love weekends, motel to be announced

A popular course for aspiring  parents, gigolos and erstwhile streetwalkers, with special emphasis on the 5 powerful enjoyments of the Tantric Tradition: Fish, Meat, Cereal, Wine and Sex. (And how to use them all at once.)

FILM SPECIAL:

All registrants to the Dialectics of Divinity Courses will receive free tickets to the Galaxy Premier of the film:

‘PROMETHEUS AND PANDORA GET IT ALL TOGETHER’

Starring:

Al Pacino as PROMETHEUS

Bo Derek as PANDORA

Dustin Hoffman as EPIMETHEUS, PROMETHUS’s brother.

Meryl Streep as MINERVA

Robin Williams as CHASE, the confused and shapeless mass.

John Houseman as ZEUS

And special guests, George Burns and Bete Midler, as GOD and NATURE.

The American School of Apathy

presents

THE INSTITUTE OF INTERDISCIPLINARY INDIFFERENCE

As you know, the American School of Apathy is a unique educational institution dedicated to the proposition that knowledge is not only boring, but downright dangerous.

I mean, do you really want to know what’s going on in the world? Of course not! It’ll only get you confused, depressed and probably in a lot of expensive trouble.

Thus, when it comes to the truth, justice and the American Way, we’re about as indifferent as the next guy. And proud of it.

Nevertheless, in the pursuit of intellectual unconsciousness, we do have a responsibility to present all sides of an issue, regardless of inance. Inspid or ridiculous it may seem. How else are you going to know which issues toignor and which cause to belittle?

The Other Side of Equal Rights

I’m sure you’re well aware of the Moral Majority’s campaign to instill a little ‘old time religion’ into our institutes of higher learning. Well, we’re all for it. Our policy has always been to ignore both sides of every issue with equal indifference. We think it’s only fair to pursue ‘equal wrongs’ with the same lack of intensity shown toward ‘equal rights’. The present on-going debate over Creationism vs Evolution is a case in point.

For years, we have taught our students to disregard some of the most complex and ingenious scientific theories ever devisd by man. Our “Accelerated Ignorance” courses have enable young men and women to dismiss the combined thought of such thinkers as Einstein, Darwin, Newton and Freud without batting an eyelash.

And now our religious brethren are demanding equal time.

So who are we to argue? Do you think we care? Our student body is as disinterested in theology as it is in geology. They care as little about the sacred as they do the profane. They’re equally adept at forgetting the words to the Lord’s Prayer as they are the Pledge of Allegiance. When it comes to the pressing issues of today’s highly complex and extremely disturbing world, be they ethical, scientific, political or theological, our students can only respond with the famous French saying “viva l’indifference!”

Thus, I invite you to check out the programs being offered by our new Institute of Interdisciiplinary Indifference. Or, if you prefer, don’t. I really don’t care because I’m missing a hot bingo game right now and all this tedious letter writing is cramping my style.

Boleslav Marquardt (Bolly)

Part-time President

Of the American School of Apathy

P.S. If there’s a subject you would like to know less about, a course you’d like to skip or a program you’d like to overlook, please drop me a line. If I have nothing better to do I’ll take it up with our Board of Misdirectors as soon as they return from there endless leaves of absence.