LIPS answers 7 of the world’s least frequently asked questions.

  1. 1. If Rasputin played baseball, what position would he have played?

LIPS: None. He would have worked in the training room. Prophetic prestidigitation beats a Jacuzzi anytime, especially when you’re trying to hit a curve ball.

  1. 2. Why was Alexander so great?

LIPS: Drugs.

  1. 3. Where was Adolph Hitler when Napoleon was marching roughshod all over Europe and where is George Patton now that we need him?

LIPS: Probably all in the same place.

  1. 4. Who is the Maharajah of Mysore and how is he related to the creation of Mylanta, Myadec and Mydol?

LIPS: You’ve got to be kidding! Haider Ali, late 18th century Mysorian macho-man, ruler of what is now generally unknownn as Karntataka, was a devout Muslim and therefore had no earthly need for vitamīns, headache pills or hangover juice. Allah was a one-man drugstore even back then.

  1. 5. Why isn’t Switzerland closer to the Atlantic Ocean?

LIPS: France is in the way. (A fact that remains true evento this day.)

  1. 6. What happened to the Kingdoms of Persia, Prussia and Siam and why isn’tanyone talking about it in the Republic Party?

LIPS: Ever since Richard Nixon, the GOP has been gun-shy about raising the dead.

  1. 7. Who was the first man to climb Mount Prospect?

LIPS: Eriks Mezmiks, a Latvian saxaphone player who was also the first person to sail around Blue Island, swim the length of Canal Street and broke a world record for continuous scuba diving in Northlake.